Existing tests for distinctiveness often lead factfinders to reach the wrong outcome for borderline marks because the tests don’t adequately interrogate whether a proposed mark fulfills its source-constative function. Fanciful and arbitrary marks map neatly onto the speech-act schema: KODAK for cameras and PENGUIN for books are innately source-constative precisely because they are never goods-constative. The adjective “KODAK” has no definition that modifies the noun “camera” other than its source-indicating definition. Conversely, descriptive marks like TASTY TREATS for cookies or AGE ERASER for face cream are, without secondary meaning, goods-constative — consumers have no reason to perceive the component terms as describing anything other than characteristics of the products to which they are affixed. The US Patent & Trademark Office, Trademark Trial and Appeals Board, and federal courts apply a variety of tests to determine whether a word mark is inherently distinctive or merely descriptive. Such tests include the dictionary, puffery, competitors’ need, competitors’ use, and imagination tests. In addition, factfinders often regard rhetorical devices such as incongruity, musicality, or double entendre as further proxies for distinctiveness. Those tests and proxies lead them to incorrectly deem distinctive such marks as the alliterative CLASSIC COLA for a brand of cola or the ostensibly incongruous SNO-RAKE for a particular snow removal tool. The raison d'être of trademark law is subverted when goods-constative terms are granted protection in registration or infringement proceedings. That protection authorizes the owner of a descriptive, non-distinctive mark to wield the mark offensively against new entrants before the mark has come to serve as a trademark to consumers, the equivalent of a property owner erecting a “no trespassing” sign on a piece of land that he has not yet purchased (and may never come to own). Taking a cue from the statutory fair use defense and asking whether a competitor could use a trademark’s component terms literally and in good faith to describe its own product, based on evidence of non-trademark usage of the terms by consumers as well as competitors, provides a more direct and objective means to evaluate whether the mark is inherently able to signal a product’s source and therefore function performatively.